Hey, Hollywood, I'm not risking my life for your dumb comic book movie

February 14th, 2020, also known as Valentine's Day. My girlfriend and I celebrated with a trip to the local Cineworld cinema to watch the latest Hollywood flick: Sonic the Hedgehog. It was fine, fun even — the post-credits scene with Tails was the best part of the movie. Little did I know it would be the last film I’d see on the big screen.

Okay, dropping the crap detective noir style opener, I'm pretty damn upset. Sonic the Hedgehog was a fun Valentine’s experience, but if I knew it would be my last cinema experience I’d have picked something better! Let me Wikipedia what was out then... Okay, it was either that, Dolittle (no, thanks) or Birds of Prey. I could've watched Birds of Prey again! Aaaah!

Cinemas are actually pretty damn good

2020 and 2021 were both poised to be spectacular for film. Marvel’s Phase 4 still supposed to kick off with Black Widow, Shang-Chi, Doctor Strange 2 and Spider-Man. Top Gun was supposed to return; the Snyder Cut would’ve released in cinemas; I could’ve watched Godzilla fight Kong on the big screen!

I adore the cinema experience. In the UK, cinemas are mostly respectful. There aren't hordes of gormless fools screaming, clapping and climaxing at anything remotely exciting that happens on-screen. We sit in a room, make fun of the stupid adverts, eat our cheap popcorn and watch the damn movie, mentally tutting at the two in front on their full-brightness phones.

It’s because of that the UK movie-going experience isn't something other countries dread. We can watch trash like Rise of Skywalker without standing up and booing at the screen, even if we want to. With that said, I'm not going to risk my life to watch a two-hour comic book movie, or any movie, Hollywood.

Read More: Birds of Prey is the best DCEU movie by a country mile

Hollywood, release your damn movies

Guess what, I like dumb Marvel movies! Watching Spider-Man makes me happy! I did a little happy-wiggle when Captain America caught Mjolnir in Endgame. Hell, I even like Sony's Venom — it's dumb fun and that's what cinemas are for. If people didn’t go to the cinemas to watch dumb trash, then Joker wouldn't have earned a billion dollars!

But no, as the Delta Variant of this damn virus spreads from person to person, I'm not going back to the cinema. Why? 1) I'm terrified of death and quite like being alive... occasionally; 2) They're just movies!

I'm itching to watch Spider-Man: No Way Home; Venom 2 is going to unadulterated stupidity and I'm here for it. However, I can watch those movies at home, in my pajamas, with a cheap curry or even some homemade brownies! In fact, that would be more comfortable and wouldn't require an Uber!

Hey Hollywood, these are my biscoff brownies!
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Yep, I make brownies. They're Biscoff brownies!

Over the course of the pandemic, I bought multiple movies to watch at home. I rented Godzilla vs Kong, I rented the Snyder Cut, I bought Black Widow. And you know what? It was cool! Personally, Godzilla vs Kong would've been awesome on the big screen, but my heavily discounted 4K 55” TV works wonders under the right lighting. (That lighting is pitch black, by the way.)

I want to watch Shang-Chi, Venom 2, Spider-Man and loads of other dumb movies this year. However, cinemas full of dumb, unmasked, possibly unvaccinated morons laughing, projecting saliva and letting out the occasional terrifying cough.

So, Hollywood, you know where to stuff it. Hint: it's up your ass.

Read More: Watch a real-life rocketship blow up, it's cool!

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