Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has finally made the switch from tech bro billionaire to mad scientist. After establishing his company's plans to realise the virtual dystopia of The Metaverse, The Zucc has surprisingly taken on a more hands-on approach.
According to multiple sources at Meta, Zuckerberg's metaverse focus has resulted in a vastly different work environment. What was once a typical tech conglomerate has now become a horrendous lab for Zuckerberg’s wide array of experiments.
Mark Zuckerberg experiments on Meta employees
Since the announcement of Meta’s move to a Metaverse company in October last year, Zuckerberg’s science experiments have tormented everyday employees. One employee, who asked not to be named, told us that test subjects are picked depending on work performance. Those with poor performance are taken at 9 o'clock every Monday. Some are never seen again.
Mary, a marketing assistant, told us that her colleague Asim was taken in February after the company's Super Bowl ads failed to impress. Asim was returned to the marketing department at the end of March, a shell of his former self.
“He [Zuckerberg] came into the marketing department wearing, um, a lab coat and goggles,” she told us between fits of panic. “The way he looked at us… he scanned us all with his eyes, um, flicked out his tongue and then lunged at Asim before dragging him away. We thought we'd never see him again.”
Since October, a total of 100 employees were taken into Zuckerberg’s lab. 69 of those employees have yet to be resurface.
“For the most part, we don't know what happens in the lab,” a Meta HQ security guard told us. “People go in, but for the most part they don't come out. However, I can confirm that it’s incredibly secure in there.”
The Six-Day Experiment
While the majority of Zuckerberg’s experiments are still ongoing in secret, one of the earliest tests has been revealed. Back in November, seven employees were taken from multiple departments across Meta, including a janitor and internal mailman.
As one of the shortest Zuckerberg experiments, the seven employees were taken for six days. Kept in the Meta CEO’s laboratory, sources who witnessed the test claim that Mark Zuckerberg trapped the seven test subjects inside his Metaverse.
By taping Oculus Quest 2 headsets to the faces of the test subjects, all seven employees were kept inside virtual reality for six days and six nights. Reports on what occurred inside The Metaverse are spotty. Rumours range from a collection of Zuckerberg-hosted entertainment events — including virtual slow dancers — to a Metaverse fight ring in which Zuckerberg is the reigning champion.
One of the test subjects, who has since moved to Cairo, told us that he's repressed most of the memories of what occurred inside The Metaverse.
“All I can remember are the tastes, smells and sounds,” he told us. “There was an overwhelming stench of Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce, it was so strong we could taste it. And there was this constant buzzing and beeping… it would get so loud. I don't know why I was let go…”
To see leaked pictures of the Mark Zuckerberg lab, please follow this link. Warning: Viewer Discretion advised.