We fancasted the stupidest Marvel heroes so Disney doesn't have to

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In the modern age of CGI and special effects, our childhood favourite super heroes look cooler than ever before. However, what about those Marvel super heroes who are not quite a-list material?

A brief flick through older comics reveals an absolute treasure trove of super heroes who were either written to be the butt of a joke, or who were just not the imaginative. 

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That got me thinking though. What if Marvel introduced some of the not-so-great heroes into the modern cinematic universe?

That also got me thinking even more. Who would play those Z-List super heroes? Sure, everyone wants to be the next Iron Man or Wonder Woman, but who’s willing, nay, able to pull off less cool characters?

Hindsight

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Having a super hero power that essentially equates to common sense is a bit underwhelming to be honest. That’s exactly what Carlton LaFrouge aka Hindsight does. He analyses problems after they’ve occurred to figure out what went wrong. 

This is obviously an important thing to do. Many of the real-world safety precautions we have in the modern age were born out of the ability to analyse what went wrong. In a world where people can shoot lasers from their eyes and fly, it’s very boring. 

Steve Carrell

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Steve Carrell's ability to deliver deadpan humour would make him a great fit for Hindsight. Carrell halso also shown his versatility, starring in more series roles alongside his usual brand of goofy, slap-stick comedy. Can you imagine a Hindsight who lacks complete self-awareness in the same way Michael Scott did? Perfection.

Squirrel Girl

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Just about the least threatening Marvel name possible, Doreen Allene Green who goes by Squirrel Girl has a tail, buck teeth and superhuman strength and agility. She’s certainly no slouch, but it’s very hard to take Squirrel Girl seriously amongst her peers. It’s likely why we won’t see the character revived any time soon for the modern Marvel Cinematic Universe. Squirrel Girl was also the nanny for Jessica Jones’ and Luke Cage’s child one time, random, right?

Emma Stone 

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Having already shown her penchant for Marvel super hero properties after starring in Spider-Man, Emma Stone feels like the perfect fit for Squirrel Girl. Able to perfect mix between serious and comedic moments, Emma would deliver a performance that would make the character far more likeable.

Hellcow

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Sounds cooler than it is. Hellcow is the result of a cow becoming a vampire. That’s it. It doesn’t even sound particularly threatening for the most part. Believe it or not, Hellcow actually teamed up with Deadpool once. As hard as that is to believe, it’s true I swear.

Jack Black

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Set to voice Claptrap in the upcoming Borderlands movie, Jack black feels like the perfect fit to voice a vampire cow. His brand of energetic and over-the-top delivery would not only bring a weak premise to life, but also elevate it beyond what it would normally have achieved. 

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Doctor Druid 

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Anthony Druid, better known as Doctor Druid was Marvel’s Dr Strange before, well, Dr. Strange came along. Doctor Druid has similar abilities as Dr. Strange, although he was replaced by him not long after making his debut. Doctor Druid certainly isn’t the weakest hero on this list, he just comes second best to Dr. Strange because of course he does?

Jack Nicholson 

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Who better than to play an over-the-hill doctor with mysterious powers than Jack Nicholson? The actor has an unusual intensity to him that would perfectly fit Doctor Druid, and he’s more than willing to take the mick out of himself when the occasion calls for it. 

Razorback

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Other than the fact he looks like this *please see photo above* Razorback is just a dude with a weird suit who is kind of strong. He can also fight in hand-to-hand combat okay. Other than that, he is reasonably unremarkable. He also has the ability to intuitively drive any vehicle or operate any kind of machinery. A skill that would only ever be useful in incredibly specific moments. 

Dave Bautista

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Considering Razorback is just kind of strong and reasonably adept at combat, it would make sense to have a wrestler of some kind portray him. This is where everything’s favourite wrestler-turned-actor comes into play, Mr Bautista - or Bluetista.  Bautista has the perfect look for someone like Razorback and his comedic chops would ensure the character doesn’t take itself too seriously. 

Of course, Bautista already plays a beloved character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Drax the Destroyer. However, Drax's time in the MCU is nearing its end with Guardians 3 possibly killing the character off. Nevertheless, it would be awesome to see the actor return in the role of Razorback, even if it's just a small cameo.

There you have it, just a handful of some of the worst super heroes Marvel has to offer, and the actors who should play them. 

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